Who Moved My Toilet!

            The fog of a good night’s sleep lifted as he started to increase his awareness of his surroundings.   His bed was warm and comfortable but it was time to get up and prepare for the workday.

            He shaved, he showered, he threw the covers back on the bed and he got dressed before going down to the kitchen for some breakfast.    He really didn’t want a breakfast burrito but it was the quickest thing he could make so he threw it into the microwave before he tiptoed out to the cold damp driveway to get his newspaper.

            He ate the burrito and for the heck of it he threw two more frozen burritos into the microwave.   While they were being nuked he decided to make a bagel and cream cheese with some sliced onions.   He thought that the bagel would taste really good with a fried egg on it so he brought out the fry pan and cracked four eggs into it.   The burritos were passable and he ate two bagels with the fried eggs while he read his paper and finally his stomach was full.

            He felt a movement and it was time to go to the bathroom.   He leisurely finished a newspaper article and he shuffled upstairs to his master bathroom so he could sit on the throne for twenty minutes while he read the sports section.  

            As he walked into his bathroom, he was shocked to see that his toilet was gone.   There wasn’t even a hole in the floor but a flowerpot of posies stood on a thin iron stand in the place where his toilet should be.   He decided that he would have to figure this out later because he really had to go so he hopped to the downstairs bathroom.   That toilet was also gone and another flowerpot filled with blooming daturas on a wire stand took it’s place.   What the heck was going on here?   He also needed to take a pee so he walked up to the sink and relieved himself.   “Who moved my toilets?” he said.    He felt the pressure of his bowel and he raced to the basement bathroom where he found that the door was locked.   Everyone had already left the house so he knew no one was in there but he banged on the door and begged for it to open.   The door remained locked.

            He needed to take a crap.   He REALLY needed to take a crap!   He hustled outside and ran next door to his elderly neighbor’s house.  

            “I’m having some trouble at my house, would you mind if I used your bathroom?”   The neighbor motioned him towards the family room bathroom.   He ran in and closed the door but he found another flowerpot and no toilet.   He burst out of the room and brushed his way past his stunned neighbor up to their master bedroom bathroom where the elderly host of the house was standing nude before the mirror while shaving.

            “Sorry Gil!” he said, “I need to take a crap!”   But there was another damn flowerpot again and no toilet!

            His eyes were turning brown and he felt like he was about to explode so he ran to his car and drove to the nearest gas station.  

            “Quick!   I need the key to the men’s room!!!”

            The cashier threw the bathroom key to the crazy man but when he opened the door to the filthy restroom all he found was a potted cactus covered with dirty toilet paper.

            “Eeyyyahhhh!!!”   He screamed and dove back into his car and shot back to his house with the intention of breaking down the door to his locked basement bathroom where there just had to be a toilet.

            He screeched into his driveway and slammed on the brakes.   Before the garage door had raised even one foot, he crawled under it and grabbed his axe off the wall.   With all the fervor and power that he could muster, he dove down into his basement and crashed the axe against the door.   It only took one stroke and the door splintered and collapsed revealing a flowerless flowerpot on a stand where his toilet once stood.  This was his last search for a toilet.   He pulled down his pants and squatted over the dirt-filled flowerpot while reaching for his June Playboy.

            “Aaaaahhhhh!”, relief!

            As he stood hunched over the freshly fertilized flowerpot, a rose bush rapidly started to grow.   It grew so fast that it shot up his ass and to his astonishment, a beautiful red rose appeared in his mouth.   He tried to pull it out but his fingers were pricked by the sharpest thorns that he had ever encountered.   He stood up and he was pricked again by the bush that had grown up his butt.   He no longer had to take a crap but he now he had a flowerpot hanging out of his ass, a rose in his mouth and he was late for work.   He walked bow-legged up the stairs to his bedroom to shave and shower and to his great surprise, his toilet was back and the posies were gone.   He carefully sat on it with sheer delight and the flowerpot, which dangled in the light blue water, faded away along with the rosebush and the rose.  

He opened his eyes and found himself still in bed.   The whole damn thing was just a dream and his real nightmare wasn’t about missing toilets, it was here in the waking world where he hasn’t had a job for over a year!   He was home alone again with nowhere to go and it was time to get up to read the want ads and enjoy another really big breakfast!

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